One week and one day...
Since we moved from St. Charles, MO into our new "temporary" home, aka: the condo, in Columbus, Ohio.
Where does one start in a post like this?
The past week has been filled with so many emotions, that it truly is difficult to even begin.
But...
I know in my heart, I must.
I must try to find an avenue to let some of this GO.
Putting pen to paper has always been my GO TO.
My RETREAT.
My PLACE TO LET A LITTLE OF MY INSIDE, OUT.
A haven of sorts.
Because once the words hit the page, they are free.
And so am I in many ways.
Free from the leverage the words can have over me.
Free from the hold emotions can build up inside of me.
And here I am now, sitting in my dining area that happens to have carpet (for the love of God, people do NOT put carpet in the dining area...with or without kids, it's just wrong).
Sitting in the same chair as I would before.
At the same table as before.
Typing on the same MAC as before.
Yet, so much is different.
The view outside is completely different.
The trees in the common ground aren't there anymore.
And just like that, here they come...
The tears.
Therapeutic tears.
Because they HAVE to come out ladies and gents.
You can't keep them bottled up inside and try to forget life as you know it, life as you had always known it, just took a MAJOR intersection in a completely different direction.
Those tears have come back quite a few times over the course of the last week.
A song on the radio.
A thought that crosses my mind.
A sad child that you are trying so desperately to console, but know you don't have the right words.
Many, many times.
The truth is, my husband (the little's daddy) had been working out of town for the past 7 months.
Most weeks, leaving on Monday morning and returning on Friday evening.
To say that was hard would be a joke.
It was brutal.
But...
You do what you have to do.
Because you just have to.
Life keeps going.
And either you keep going with it, or...
The alternative just isn't in my vocabulary.
I have always been a "pull up your boot straps and keep going" kinda girl.
And I was this time too.
But...
I missed my husband and feared us growing apart.
The littles needed their daddy and it became more and more evident as time passed.
Adeline, missing her daddy just being there.
Graham, missing those God-lovin' snuggles & smooches he would get on the daily from his daddy.
And the little boys, well lets just say defiance took a major turn and not in a good direction. A father figure was necessary for their growth and continued attachment.
I prayed for God to bring our family together like we were before...
Nightly dinners around the table talking about the day.
Walks in the neighborhood after dinner time.
The ga-billion little things we would do together, but took for granted all the time.
I wanted it back.
And God answered that prayer.
He moved us to Columbus, Ohio.
Not what we were expecting AT ALL.
But nonetheless, God provided.
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We talked about the possibility of a move with the kids from the get-go.
We wanted them to know that a move was very possible.
We wanted them to start preparing their hearts way before we knew what might happen.
Especially our Adeline.
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But first, lets chat about the boys...
JOJO
FRANCIS
The little boys were excited the entire time.
Excited to move somewhere new.
It made me happy and sad all at the same time.
You are probably wondering why would I be sad about that?
Well, let me fill you in...
It is another reminder of the trauma of adoption.
While they have been home with us for 2 years, they haven't grown "roots."
They haven't let anyone in enough to miss them.
They haven't attached to what was their "home."
They are only excited about another NEW.
And yes, I am relieved that they aren't devastated by the move, but it is hard all the same.
And Graham...
I would talk to him often about moving.
I would tell him what was going to happen.
And have no flipping idea if he really heard me.
If he truly knew what I was saying.
And it tore me up inside.
That sweet, precious soul deserves to have an explanation given to him as well.
And, I still don't know.
But something so profound happened after just a few days of living in the condo.
Our BIG clock would sit behind my chair in the dining area of our last home.
He saw it on the ground, picked it up, took my hand to come with him, and pushed it against the wall.
The wall that would be behind my chair in the dining area of our new home.
And then he just looked at me.
I asked, "Do you want me to hang this here?"
And he just stood there looking at me...because there are still NO words that come from his mouth without being prompted to repeat a word back.
And I can't even go there right now, but this in itself is one of the most difficult burdens to endure.
I sat the clock down and found the hammer and a nail and I hung up that clock right where G wanted it.
And right now I smile and I cry....more therapeutic tears because I can't stop it once again.
I am not sure if Graham quite understands why we are here now, but I do know he is OK...because our family is TOGETHER and that is what matters most.
I know in that deep part inside of me that Graham believes that too.
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My sweet, sweet Adeline.
Having her be a part of the conversation on moving was crucial.
We knew this would effect her the most of all the tribe littles.
St. Charles was her home.
Was all she ever really knew.
She had friends, close ones.
She loved her school, her church, her neighborhood, her bedroom, her home.
But she also missed her daddy.
A LOT.
Months ago when we mentioned moving to her, she was extremely resistant.
She flat out said NO, she did not want to move.
And I get that.
I really do.
But as time passed and we continued the same conversation over and over again.
Her heart slowly opened up and the resistance to moving turned into a deepness to be together as a family.
Family became the priority.
We didn't have to force this.
God did a work in her, I have no doubt about that.
But that doesn't mean moving would be easy.
Because people, it freaking hurts like hell, especially for this little girl.
And I think that is why it hurts even more for me, because I hurt for her.
I recall the time when I shared with Adeline about Scott's job offer.
We had not accepted anything yet, but the offer came.
We were driving to the gym and after I told her, all I got was silence.
I looked over and saw tears streaming from her face.
She says to me in her beautiful, but sad voice, "I know I can make friends anywhere, but I am going to miss my friends."
And all I can do is cry with her.
Because she is 100% correct.
I can't take this pain away as much as I want to...
I agree with her and hug her and tell her I love her.
And from that point on, I think she hardened her heart a little.
I think she tried to do that to block the pain.
Maybe she needed to???
Because once the offer was accepted, she didn't cry anymore.
I put together some sleep overs with her and some close friends and no tears.
Honestly, I was the one crying when picking her up from these sleepovers.
She was the one reaching out and holding my hand.
I was crying for her.
Looking back now, it was almost as if she just couldn't.
And I am thankful I was able to feel that for her.
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For me, I had been so focused on getting our family back together that the realization didn't quite set in of what moving away truly meant.
I had a few moments leading up to the move and tried to let myself "feel" the emotions that came.
But I am really good at staying busy and busy keeps me from feeling...
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Not sure what all was going thru my husband's mind either.
Although, I can say with assurance that he was happy to know our family would be together again.
And he was excited about the new opportunity before him, as was I.
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Last Wednesday was the BIG DAY.
We took the kids to Grandmas so the movers could come and we were going to clean behind them.
I did have a few last minute errands to run.
And a trip to the barber for F & J.
We love our barber, T, and we will miss him.
Finding a new barber in a new city might take a minute, so I wanted the boys to look good before starting school and T made sure of that!
It was an all day event.
Scott went to pick up the kids around 3.
When Adeline came back she wanted to look around the house.
Her home was now completely empty.
It looked just the way it did when we moved in 2+ years prior.
Her bedroom, empty.
To describe what I witnessed with her that day, was gut-wrenching.
I was so busy "working", that I didn't have time to "feel".
Adeline, on the other hand.
All those tears she had been holding on to for weeks?
They couldn't be stopped any longer.
She walked in and doubled over in pain.
Holding her stomach and weeping.
Crying hard, heavy tears.
Barely able to catch her breath.
I just broke down beside her.
It was so intense.
Something I have never experienced with her before.
She asked for me to walk with her to her bedroom.
And again, those painful tears and sounds of sadness rang out so hard.
And we just held one another.
There was nothing I could say in that moment to lessen her pain.
Nothing.
So I didn't try.
I just wept with her.
Therapeutic tears.
I showed her the inside of the hall closet.
She knew I was going to do this and was expecting to see what I wrote.
We left our mark.
Just like we did in our first home as a family.
The home where we brought Adeline & Graham home from the hospital.
And we cried more.
And she left a personal mark as well weeks before in her closet...
Then Adeline, me and her daddy held one another in the empty living area and we prayed.
We prayed for God to give us grace and joy in the transition and this new chapter in our lives, that He would draw our tribe ever so close together that could only happen because of this and for God to bring a family to love as deeply as we did in that home soon.
You see, houses are significant.
They are homes that memories are made in and so much is shared.
But God has shown me that HOME is where our family is TOGETHER...where ever that may be.
And off to Columbus we went...
It was a LONG drive.
A lot to process.
A lot more tears to shed.
When you leave everything you have ever known...
Yes, there is an excitement to that, but there can be fear and there most definitely is sadness.
Leaving family and friends.
Going to a new city that you know no one and know nothing about.
Trying to figure out schools, and therapies and resources for my tribe.
It is overwhelming.
AND...
Sometimes you catch a sweet moment between siblings, in their new home; a touch that can soothe one another.
AND...
I have HOPE.
That the God of the Universe that holds us all together will work this out for good, like He has always done in the past.
That we will grow in beautiful ways thru this refining of our hearts.
That there will be much fruit given and received in this new chapter in Columbus.
That we will enjoy more belly laughs like we had last weekend at a new Greek restaurant we found (that we will definitely be returning to soon). I am Greek people, this is a major WIN! ;)
That a sweet family WILL buy our old home and we will be released from that grip to be fully present where we are at today.
That Scott will flourish in his new role.
That the kids' needs will be provided for abundantly.
That Adeline will find that ONE friend that will change her entire world here.
And that I, too, will be overwhelmed in wonderfully unknown ways in the richness God provides for me here.
Glass half full....
...always.
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