It's just a hair cut, right???

Wrong.

Just WRONG with CAPITAL letters!

Because it isn't "JUST a hair cut"...

And as much as I wish it was just a hair cut, in our home it is SO. MUCH. MORE.

Graham has never enjoyed hair cuts.

It started with the first cut a few months before his 1st birthday.

One thinks, it's new, he isn't used to it, it will become easier over time.

Will it???

Fast forward about 6 years later and NOTHING has become easier about G's hair cut.

In fact, I would say it has become more and more difficult.

So what? Why post about this subject?

Well, it's been weighing on me lately for some reason.

And for me, putting pen to paper helps to FEEL it out better, to LESSEN the hard that's happening maybe?

My heart gets sad because I don't know what to do.

I am at a loss in many ways.

You see, Graham gets scared.

No, I am REALLY - REALLY scared.

One would think Graham must be thinking the hair stylist was going to physically hurt him with the scissors or clippers by the way he reacts when he sees either of them.

He has never been one to like others to touch his face/head, although he has gotten a little better about that through the years.

Getting a hair cut is a COMPLETELY different ball game.

He screams.

And he cries.

And his face gets beet red.

And he cries harder.

And blood vessels almost start to pop from his sad eyes.

And he tries ever so hard to just get the heck out of there.

And that look.

Oh, that look.

The only time he gets that look is getting his hair cut or having his teeth cleaned.

It's painful to watch.

And I am the one holding him down like a human straight jacket in order to get it done.

By the time it is over, we're both covered in hair and exhausted.

I have tried oh so many options to make this even a tad bit less excruciating for Graham, but I fail over and over.

From weighted vests, to the iPad, to different locations, to "fill in the blank" and none seem to put a dent into what is going on inside him.

And I repeat myself a million times, "Mama is here, it's all going to be ok."

But it's not OK at all.

And it F'ING SUCKS!

Because Graham can't tell me what it is that is making him so scared that he is about to die.

Yes, die.

Because there isn't any other way to describe what my son is going thru.

Unless you have witnessed it, you just don't know.

I am thankful for my extremely heartfelt hair stylist that has tried so hard to work with me thru the years.

And grateful for a new beautiful soul of a hair stylist that is doing the same.

I think most hair stylists would have turned me away for sure.

Truth is, I can't hold him for too much longer.

Even at the young age of 'going on 7', the boy is strong!

Who wouldn't be strong when you are in the Fight, Flight or Freeze state?

Graham is definitely in the FLIGHT with ALL OF HIS MIGHT.

You see, I love this boy something fierce.

And for so many years we continue to pray he would be able to communicate with us.

Somehow, someway.

And the years pass by and we're still trying.

But the pain deep inside only deepens as we aren't there yet and we still can't communicate with our son.

Then in times like this, that pain is brought full surface.

I am not quite sure how to describe it, but it's not a pain I like feeling.

Such a simple thing....being able to use our words.

For Graham to be able to tell me what we can do to lessen his extreme fear would be HUGE.

But, I can say that all I want and it doesn't matter because it's not going to happen.

Not anytime in the foreseeable future.

Maybe not ever.

And I can't even go there because my heart will just break in a million pieces.

But...

...because with our G-man there is always a but. ;)

We will continue to work hard (although Graham is the one working the hardest).

And I will continue to beat myself up over and over again because it never feels like ENOUGH.

And we will never lose hope.

Lord, let us never lose hope.

G after his most recent hair cut last week. Adorable if I do say so myself. :)