A deep and difficult conversation with a 5 year old before 10am one morning...

It was a Monday.

Kids off from school one more day until back from Christmas break.

I think we were all ready for some "normalcy" (aka: routine). Or maybe it was just me.I'm not afraid to admit it. ;)

10am Body Flow class at Gold's gym sound like the perfect "ease me back into working out" post binge holiday eating.

A quick pit stop at the bank to deposit a check, I look in my rear view mirror and see my two little kiddos there...hanging out...dazing out the windows. And that's when Adeline gets this huge grin on her face and blurts out 'Uncle Graham'. I smile at her and she quickly says, 'That's what my kids will call him one day.'

Side note: Adeline is REALLY into calling people by their references. For example, we went to visit relatives last weekend. Adeline would say, "Mom, are you excited about seeing your sister this weekend? Because I'm excited to see my cousins." She's learning and I kinda love it.

Back to story...I tell Adeline she is correct, brother will be called Uncle Graham by your children one day. And while that in itself is a presumption, it is one I believe will be true. One day.

Then she flipped it.

'And I will be called Aunt Addy by Graham's children one day too.'

Ummmm.....

And this is one of those oh crap, how do I respond to this in a truthful, yet gentle 5 year old way.

Ummmmm. Wellllllll.... Brother probably will not have children when he grows up.

Perplexed Adeline, 'But why mom?'

Me...quickly asking the Lord to give me words.

"You know how Graham has Down syndrome?"

'Yes', says Ads.

"Well because he has Down syndrome, he won't be able to have children of his own. Sometimes people are born and are unable to have children."

'I know mom', she replies and then references a friend of ours that has been unable to have children.

She's putting things together in her head. I can see it. She's such a thinker.

"Yes Adeline, that is right."

And.

Just.

Like.

That.

A wave of emotions hit me. Literally, like a wave from the ocean crashing over. And I can feel my eyes start to fill up with tears. So I turn the rear view mirror a little, so she doesn't see her mama crying.

And then she says something to make me smile again.

'But there is a good thing about not having kids mom. You don't have to hurt to have them. It hurt when we came out of you, right?'

"Yes, that hurts baby girl. But you were SO worth the pain." And I am thankful to smile amidst the tears.

'So Ethan can't have children either?'

Another side note: Ethan is a sweet friend of Adeline's that she met when 3 at pre-school. He now goes to another elementary school, but she thinks and talks of him often. Ethan has Down syndrome. Adeline befriended him quickly at school and would get him to do things with her and the other kids. It was simply beautiful. At the time she had no idea Ethan had Ds. He was her friend. That is all that mattered. Since then, she has learned that he is similar to brother in that way. To her, it still didn't matter. She talked about marrying Ethan one day. She would call him her boyfriend. And even though she hasn't seen him in over 6 months, she would still call him her boyfriend.

"No, Ads, Ethan can't have children either."

At that point I can see tears begin to fill up in her eyes.

"But I don't understand mom."

"So I won't be able to have children either. But, I want to have children." - she tells me in her oh so soft, yet broken up voice. Because she's tying this together in her mind now too...If Ethan can't have kids and if I marry Ethan, then I can't have kids either.

And truth be told, I DON'T FREAKIN' UNDERSTAND WHY EITHER!!! God doesn't always give us the "whys" in life. In reality, we rarely understand or know the "whys". And it can be hard. In this moment, it was ever so hard. But, I don't say that even if my heart is wanting to burst in that moment.

And I say the only thing I could think to say in that very moment...

"Adeline, one day, many years from now, you are going to be an awesome mama."

And her mind starts to digest all of it.

'Maybe I will have to marry someone else then mom.'

"Yes Adeline, maybe".

As we pull into Gold's gym I remind Adeline of the 2 boys we're adopting from Ghana, her brothers yet to come home.

I tell her to our knowledge we have no reason to believe they will not be able to have children one day. And she looks at me...

"And their children will call you Aunt Addy", I say.

She smiles a big smile once again. Just like the smile she gave me when she blurted out 'Uncle Graham'.

And I smile too.