The Rearview Mirror

Nine months you were..

Molding

And shaping 

And forming within me.

April 10, 2009, 

You made your debut into this world and that memory is forever etched in my brain.

Those puckered lips.

Brown hair.

Red face.

Crying.

Wondering what the heck just happened!

I don’t blame you for that, I would cry too.

And I did.

Because seeing life happen before your eyes is mind boggling and crazy and beautiful all at the same time.

——

Driving you home for the first time just a couple days later from the hospital…

We were like deer in headlights.

Oh shit, we have an actual human life to take care of now.

I sat in the backseat with you as daddy drove us home.

He was the one that kept looking in the rearview mirror that day.

——

I was a corporate working mama and those six weeks of maternity flew by so fast.

And then for 18 months, me and your daddy made some sacrifices to keep you at home.

Sacrificed our time, that is.

He worked part time and opted to go back to school for his Masters.

Staying home with you during the day while I worked.

Tag teamming you when I got home so he could go to work or school.

It wasn’t easy.

We were a bit like passing strangers in the night.

But looking back…

It was totally worth it.

——

Fast forward those 18 months…

Daddy completed his Masters, starts working a full time position which means we need to find options for you.

We found a pre-school just minutes from my work so you would be riding with me everyday.

It really was the best case scenario at the time.

——

As I write this you are on the verge of your 10th birthday.

It’s funny how memories can scar us in some ways.

I remember that first day…

Our drive to preschool.

Me looking back in the rearview mirror.

Over and over and over again to check on you.

Your sweet whittle bity tiny face.

Wanting to keep that picture of you within me always.

Tears swelling in my eyes.

Hormone overload still (duh). ;) 

Dropping you off.

“Keep it together Georgia” was on repeat in my head.

Walking out.

“Let it out.”

And I DID!

Because this mama needed a RELEASE in a BIG WAY.

Pulling myself together, force that smile on my face before walking back into my office that I hadn’t seen in a while. 

——

Days pass.

——

Weeks pass.

——

Me and my baby girl in the car day after day.

Monday thru Friday.

Watching you in your carseat from the rearview mirror.

——

Months pass.

And it dawns on me.

As I am watching you all this time in those endless car rides.

Our sweet girl is changing so quickly before my eyes.

And I feel a warm gush of emotions overwhelm me.

Life is fleeting.

And now I realize the fullness of that statement.

Through my daughter’s life.

——

Her coos turn into sounds that turn into words that turn into sentences.

——

Her chubby body grows longer and leaner and that baby is no longer a baby, but a little girl and now a big girl and hitting double digits.

——

Her baby face matures into a beautiful (almost) young woman and my heart can barely handle the changes that are happening in what feels like a flash of time.

Although years have now passed.

——

I still look at you thru my rearview mirror (although many days you now share the bucket seats in the front with me when your daddy isn’t with us).

My face and body and hair (grey go away!) now aging as well (but don’t you worry, I am and will always be your strong mama).

I haven’t stopped thinking about that little baby girl we brought home from the hospital 10 years ago. 

You have changed my life in so many profound ways.

“Parenting ain’t for wimps” as my husband would say. 

And he is right. 

It’s not. 

It’s incredibly challenging work and it’s self sacrificing and it’s giving of yourself over and over and over again til you feel like you can’t give anymore, yet you do. 

Because that’s what us mamas do. Us parents do.

——

I am grateful God gave me that reminder so many years ago.

To LOOK in the rearview mirror.

To see what was there.

To hold fast to those precious memories.

Those gabillion different faces I would see of you every day…

Happy, silly, sad, mad, crying, laughing and so many more.

They all make me smile and cry because I so love those precious moments, yet want time to slow down just a little.

Happy birthday, baby girl.

I love you my sweet Adeline…more than you know.