Grandmother Snodgrass

She lost her husband almost 3 years ago now.

I can not wrap my head around what that must feel like for her.

They were married for what seemed forever.

Three sons.

A beautiful home those sons grew up in.

Various jobs and transitions in life.

Countless memories made together.

And while, he lived to be 89 years old…the feeling of "loss" when he left this life and entered into the other side, for Grandmother, must have been excruciating.

She's a logical woman.

Very proper, too.

Death is a part of life and she understood that well.

Actually, she understands that in a way that I hope to one day.

It happens to all of us, yet, we live as if it won't.

They down sized a couple years prior to her husband's passing.

It was obvious a two story home with a laundry in the basement was NOT going to cut it any longer.

I am certain this transition was difficult.

How do you say goodbye to the house that has been your home for over 30 years?

The home your children grew up in.

Where your family gathered night after night after night.

I am grateful to have the privilege to experience a few memories in this home too once I came into the picture.

Including Grandmother's taco night. ;)

Now, life is changing again.

"It goes fast." That is what she said to Scott and I in the hospital room, holding her love's hand as he was dying.

My heart ached then.

My heart aches now.

The circle of life that I contemplate more than I would like to do because it boggles my mind so very much.

It rocks my world, if I were to be honest. And not in a comforting way either.

The changes, the transitions. They are forthcoming for all of us, should we live to be able to go through them, that is.

Life - Death - Life - Death.

Beautiful and tragic to me, all at the same time.

We visited family in Jefferson City for Easter weekend, like we do many holidays.

We knew the family was hopeful to move Grandmother into a senior living home.

Scott was there on a recent business trip and was able to have a conversation with his Grandmother then.

This time, the conversation, slightly different.

We went to her home to visit and ended with packing a suitcase.

I explained to her that all of us just want what is best for her, for her to be well cared for, to be looked after.

She said she knew and that it was hard taking care of herself alone.

Scott chimed in and said that we wanted to help avoid the hospital at all costs.

Grandmother could not have agreed more with him.

Scott left to get his dad and I stayed behind with Grandmother.

She brought me into the office and showed me old pictures.

Pictures of her when she was 17.

Pictures of her parents who passed many, many years ago.

Pictures of a young Grandmother and Grandfather in the "prime of their lives".

The pictures were reminder after constant reminder of how fragile life is and how quickly it passes by.

I doubt Grandmother was thinking of her last days when she had that picture taken at age 17.

Who does?

Maybe that is why life keeps moving so quickly. We don't think about it. We never stop and think about it.

I will spare the details of us packing and getting her ready to leave.

It was hard, it was emotional.

Scott was strong and focused. Exactly what was needed for such a time as this.

Scott and his dad drove Grandmother to her new home.

I walked the short walk back to Scott's dad's home.

I needed the air in my face.

I needed to physically shake my head to clear my mind just a little.

I needed to shed some tears that I was pushing back inside while at Grandmother's home.

She told me she was scared. Going to a new place and all. And I get that. I would be too.

As much as I wish there was a better alternative, the fact is, she shouldn't be alone any longer.

They unpacked her bag and got her as settled as one can be in a foreign place that is now "home".

We visited her the next day.

She said it was so good to see some familiar faces.

It was so good to see her.

As I hugged her, I could feel her fragile 88 year old body.

Scott shows me her room and we walk around a little.

The place is nice. It really is.

And she made a new friend already, Barbara.

Grandmother's memory is slipping and we have to remind her that she is staying there permanently now. She said, "well oh you know more than I do."

And the sad truth is that we had told her that multiple times already.

It saddens me because I imagine how scary and lonely it must feel like to be in her shoes.

To wake up that first morning and know you aren't "home" and not quite sure where you are or why you are there.

The stage of life she now is in.

While death is waiting for all of us. I believe Grandmother now welcomes it.

What a beautiful soul this woman is…to me and to so many. I pray she knows how adored she is and that she is loved.

We say goodbye.

Always, not knowing if maybe this is our last goodbye.

You see, when you are fortunate like us to have grandparents around in their 80's, this is a feeling you always have, on every visit.

We smile and say soon.

I can't help but look back as we are walking away.

I just needed one more glimpse of that beautiful woman etched in my mind...